Stay-at-Home vs. Working Moms: Settling the Debate
So, who works harder? The stay-at-home mom or the work-outside-the-home mom? There seems to be an empowerment movement lately where each side has their own story, their own argument, their own set of hashtags on social media. Each group has its own unique woes and triumphs and its own respective support groups and exclusive clubs.
Who has it better? Who works harder? Who faces so much “Mom Guilt” that they should consider changing the course of their lives for 18+ years of raising children?
Which camp will bring their kids the most promise, the most independence, the most opportunity? Let’s take a look at what a typical day in the life of each mom looks like (if “typical” really does exist):
Today’s “stay-at-home” mom is far from the woman you picture, eating candy bars and watching Days of Our Lives. Her wake up call is usually by a little person poking her in the eyeball, screaming for milk (from an inside or outside source) or asking to watch cartoons at the CRACK of dawn. Some days it’s all of the above.
She makes coffee and pours herself a cup just in time to wake up her older child(ren) for school. Leaving her coffee on the counter, she kisses her husband goodbye as he rushes off to work. Between signing the field trip permission slip and sending them with their Picture Day order form, they barely get out the door to get to school on time.
Everyone loads up into the car (with the french fries on the floor, remember?) and the big kids are off to school. Returning home, she reheats her coffee in the microwave and makes attempt #1 at getting her toddler to wear clothes that are not a Ninja Turtle costume. It’s a no go.
As her toddler screams for the red Donatello mask, it’s time to put the baby down for a nap. A subtle, short “beep” reminds her that she never took her reheated, now two-hour-old coffee out of the microwave. She puts it in for another 30 seconds in hopes of returning after she gets the baby to sleep in time for Jake and the Neverland Pirates to start on TV – her only hope for a few moments of quiet and a chance to start her day.
She finds the mask in the baby’s crib. It’s a big win for the morning! The toddler revels the find of the red Donatello mask, but will later demand for her to find the Batman cape, which she sold at last week’s garage sale.
Pulling her coffee out of the microwave and finally sitting down for a quick hit of much needed caffeine, she thinks about how she’s going to have “the talk” with her 10-year-old later than evening…….and the baby wakes up early from her nap.
There’s been a blowout. As in, diaper.
You know what I mean. The kind of diaper that requires a clothing change (for both of you), a bath (for both of you), and a gas mask.
The baby is bathed, changed, and mister 4-year-old, red-masked Donatello himself is taking a short nap, just before it’s time to pick up the big kids from school. After a lost shoe is found and Goldfish are dumped in a bag for snack, mom hits the road again, this time to pick kids up and take them to soccer practice, gymnastics, and a Scout meeting, where she is Den Mother.
Dad has to work late (she loves him for his amazing work ethic), so it’s fast food for dinner and it looks like everyone might have to skip their bath for tonight….and that full cup of coffee is still sitting on the kitchen counter.
She wonders if she is doing enough. Should the kids should socialize more? Is she missing something? What if her 4-year-old is a music prodigy and she hasn’t signed him up for those music lessons yet? Has she spent enough time with the big kids since the baby was born? Do they know she loves them?
* * *
The “working” mom has a similar routine, only she voluntarily wakes up at the crack of dawn; sometimes before, sometimes after her toddler. It’s cereal for breakfast for everyone or, if she’s lucky, she can get them all to school and daycare early enough to be fed breakfast there (every little bit of saved energy helps).
As she makes a pot of coffee (all for herself), she carefully ticks off all the meetings and responsibilities she has for the day: Presentation at 9:00, phone calls at 11:00, and she HAS to buy a new red, Donatello mask for her toddler at lunch time because she accidentally threw the other one away.
Everyone loads up into the car (also with the french fries on the floor). Mom throws on her suit jacket, gives the big kids an almost-completely-filled-out Picture Day order form, and promises she will sign the field trip permission slip tomorrow, swearing she won’t forget this time. Just as she lifts the baby out of the car, the little one spits up on her black suit jacket. It’s carrots. Oh well. That’s why she has the stain remover, wet naps and, what are these, Goldfish? …in her purse.
As she sits in her 9:00 meeting, she’s wondering how she’s going to have “the talk” with her 10-year-old later that evening, and if the baby’s low-grade fever was just teething or that virus going around. She keeps her phone close, just in case the daycare calls. Suddenly, her boss asks her for the flyer she’d designed the previous day, and as she reaches into her laptop bag to grab it she pulls out a sippy cup, some hair bows, and a diaper (it’s clean….maybe). She flinches a little and finally finds that document.
Later that day, after a quick lunch at her desk so she could run out and get that red Donatello mask during her lunch hour, she books her travel arrangements for a business trip later that month. Sure, it’s a chance to meet new people and go to the bathroom uninterrupted, but she thinks about missing her son’s first karate belt test, and how she won’t get to contribute anything to the bake sale for Scouts.
Her husband is wonderfully supportive, but will he remember that Susie HAS to wear the yellow bow for picture day or the universe will implode? And if their son loses his red Donatello mask one more time, NO ONE will sleep that night. She wonders if her kids miss her like she misses them, and if she’s damaging them for life by working full-time.
Do they know she loves them?
* * *
Friends, I’ve been on both sides of this story. There is no type of mom who works harder than another. There is no mom who doesn’t face mom guilt. There is no mom who doesn’t want the absolute BEST for her kids. Behind every great mom is a wonderful woman who thinks she’s screwing it all up.
Don’t ever let guilt or shame take over the way you raise your kids – however you choose to raise them. Live beyond comparison of someone else. No matter where you are in your life as a “work-outside-the-home” mom, a “stay-at-home” mom, an empty-nester, wishing you could do it all again differently, or someone who is thinking of having a family one day and wondering what the “right thing to do” is when it comes to “balancing” your budding career with raising a family. Here are some reminders:
This is just a season of your life. Enjoy it, embrace it, get through it…whatever you need to tell yourself in order to understand that this will not last forever.
You’ll make plenty of mistakes as a mom: but YOUR kids were specifically given to YOU because you’re the PERFECT mom for them. They can handle, recover well from, and even CELEBRATE your mistakes.
You are enough: cold coffee, spit-up stained clothes, floorboard french fries and all.
I haven’t mastered all of these truths, and I am certainly not the end-all expert….I mean come on, everyone knows Donatello wears a purple mask.
Again Soooooooooo well done!!!!! This one made me tear up because it hit home for me especially right now!!!! Keep em coming I love it!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!!
Thank you, Sharesse!
This is great! I too have been on both sides and can relate with ever word. My ninja turtle mask was a Marvin the Martin. We finally found it buried in the couch I clean twice looking for it… LOL!
Yes, well done!! I don’t remember a morning that I have seen the bottom of my coffee mug… Or that I haven’t had to reheat my coffee multiple times.
Today my soul longs for warm coffee and some good worship music. Ya wanna come over? I can reheat up the coffee I made 3 hours ago.